IC Inbox

[midnightmaiden]

Hi! This is Kasumi Yoshizawa. It looks like you just missed me, but feel free to leave a message, and I'll get back to it as soon as possible!

[ooc: IC inbox for P4kechi AU Sumi at personavelvetroomdr.]

Comments

[shakenit]

[Pressing X to Doubt. If it was fine, it's only because she somehow managed to ignore all the brutal stuff that's surely there.]

When Akira-senpai told me about my Palace back home, he made a point of saying I wasn't a bad person who needed fixing. Neither are you. You're hurting, and you can't see things clearly.

We want to help you see things clearly, and then if you choose to go back to how things are now, at least you were able to make that choice with a clear head. [aaaaaaaaand Sumire would probably start trying to figure out how to slap Dr. Maruki silly across several dimensions, but. This is about Midnight's choices, which may not be her own.]

May I ask you a kind of personal question?

[midnightmaiden]

[Can she trust this? Can she really? How does she know this isn't a trick to make her lower her guard?

She doesn't want the dream to end.]

Fine.

[shakenit]

Are you really happy right now? Truly?

Because I wasn't, by the time Akira-senpai talked to me.

We had a gymnastics training camp abroad, and I thought I would use the time to reconnect with 'my friends.' My sister's friends finally lost their patience with me acting like nothing was wrong and told me off. That was kind of the last straw. I knew I had to understand, even if I didn't like the answers I got.

I was just clinging more and more desperately to an easy answer, and it wasn't helping me in the slightest.

[midnightmaiden]

It wasn't a problem until I came here.

Back home, I was happy! I had a purpose, and I helped other people's wishes come true.

I couldn't have done that without Dr. Maruki.

[shakenit]

[And fewer people directly questioning her remembered experiences, probably.]

There's nothing stopping you from helping people after the fact, you know. It might even be easier then.

[midnightmaiden]

I believe in Dr. Maruki's dream.

Doesn't that make me your enemy? I want to help him achieve a world where everyone can be happy.

[shakenit]

I don't agree with his methods.

It's an admirable goal, but - at home, he put a band-aid on my brain and expected me to forget I was bleeding out. Wanting to ease people's suffering is completely reasonable. Papering over their problems to do it doesn't work.

cw for self-loathing and suicidal ideation-adjacent angst

[midnightmaiden]

Dr. Maruki has used his powers to rehabilitate criminals and help people forget their worst memories.

How is that any different from the Phantom Thieves, anyway? They change people's cognition, too!

Self-loathing? In MY Yoshizawa? (It's more likely than you think.)

[shakenit]

That's the thing, though - I didn't forget. Not really. It was all still in my head, and when it surfaced enough to break into my thoughts I didn't understand why it was happening.

They do. And they even do it in order to help others, too. But they're not pretending a horrible past never happened. They're holding vile people accountable when no one else will, or they're helping people see past their own distorted worldview so they can think clearly again.

[midnightmaiden]

And you all think I need to "think clearly."

Everyone's acted that way for more than a year now, and I'm tired of it.

[shakenit]

What is your Palace if not a sign that something in your mind isn't working like it should?

Besides, if everything was truly fine when you went in there, then you have nothing to worry about, do you?

[Sumire feels a little bad for taking that tack. She knows Midnight has quite a lot to worry about, in fact, and she knows it better than pretty much anyone else here.]

[midnightmaiden]

[That's...

Damn it. Midnight can't argue that. A healthy person shouldn't have a Palace. She shouldn't, and yet...]

So I'm just supposed to trust you all?

[shakenit]

We had the option of not telling you about the Palace at all, and we decided that wasn't truly an option, because that would only hurt you more in the long run. [Even if Joker was... apparently unhelpfully blunt in his approach, it came from a place of good intentions.]

I can at least say none of us want to do you harm. In the long run, tying yourself in knots won't do you any favors.

I'm not going to assume my situation mirrored yours exactly, but I know I wasn't capable of helping myself. And


I don't think your sister would want you to be hurting like this, any more than mine would have wanted it from me.

[midnightmaiden]

[Is it... selfish? Is it selfish to want to stay this way? If she's...

Her hands tremble. Dr. Maruki granted her wish. He's brought her so much happiness...

But she still developed a Palace. Healthy people shouldn't have Palaces.]

You want to help. I know that.

But what if it makes things worse? If you changed my heart...

[What would become of her? Could she even withstand it?]

[shakenit]

If we change your heart, we're not going to abandon you to sort out your new normal on your own.

I think it'll make things better. Which is not the same thing as 'easier,' but that's just life.

[midnightmaiden]

What makes you think it'll be better, though?

Is it because you went through something like that?

[shakenit]

It is, yes.

And it definitely would have been easier to leave things as they were, but it's better not being pulled in so many different directions without understanding why.

[midnightmaiden]

I feel like this wouldn't be a problem anywhere else. It's just here where everything's so... complicated.

Back home, once Dr. Maruki achieves his dream, it'll all be worth it.

[shakenit]

I think different things would be complicated at your home than are complicated here. I was still pulled in different directions, and I didn't end up here until after everything was said and done with my Palace.

What is his dream? To make everyone the same as you?